Resistance against the violence or the extreme behaviour is developed step by step, building on what parents experience in the process, the support they are able to receive, and their growing confidence. We do not engage a child with aggressive or harmful behaviour in any conversations about why they may feel angry or lose self-control. Action replaces talking. Talking is kept to a minimum, and consists mainly of brief announcements or declarations, which are used to communicate what kind of action parents are taking and why. Parents do not try to 'get through' to their child, as this has been attempted without success many times before. However, there may be a time and place for talking, once the child is no longer acting out and controlling their environment in harmful ways, no longer being self-destructive. Frequently, unmet psychological needs then become apparent, and direct work with the young person, who is now a "customer" to the therapy, can be fruitful.
There are four areas in which parents, with support, become active:
De-escalation: Parents develop strategies to manage risk, without getting involved in fruitless power struggles. They learn how to regulate themselves, and no longer get motivated by their own unhelpful beliefs (I must immediately take control of my child; they must see what it is really like), driven to act in hot anger.
Breaking taboos: After months or years of 'walking on eggshells' and feeling they have to give in to their child's demands if they wish to maintain peace in the family, parents learn to strategically break the rules their child has set up for the family. Parents are supported in overcoming their tendency to avoid necessary action because of fear or shame.
Taking non-violent action: Consequences and punishment no longer work. Parents raise their presence through carefully planned, delayed action within the home and in the outside environment. This is especially important when parents must act in response to aggressive incidents, in order to protect themselves and their other children by developing a deterrent against further harmful acts.
Reconciliation gestures: Certain gestures show young people that their families care about them. They help parents and children or young people relate to one another beyond the aggression. In child-focused reconciliation work, we look 'behind the veil of anger' to bring back a dialogue between parent and child, in which the parent can look after the young person's needs.
